|
My name is Rukshan and I'm 16 years old and I would like to share my on-going problem with you that has been causing me so much pain for years.
I'm from Sri Lanka but I
came over to live in England when I was 8. I have lived in
this country since then for 9 years. And for all these 9
years I have never known a single girl. This is the main
problem. I go to all boys school one which I've been going
to for the 9 years I've been here - long time. And so
because of this I have never come into contact with a
single girl. By contact I don't mean sexual or physical
but simply verbally - YES! I don't care about not having a
girlfriend; I know that most 16 year-olds don't have
girlfriends,- but as for me I have never ever even talked
to a girl of my age - I MEAN CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? (at 16)
Imagine what it must feel like to have never talked to the
opposite sex - Well I can, cos I never have. I'm sure all
16 year-olds have at least gone past the talking bit - and
so I surely must be the one and only 16 year-old boy on
this dying planet that hasn't ever spoken to a girl in a
conversation. I have to be surely.
Beacuse of these
negative, inferior feelings I also find myself thinking
that I'll never have sex or even ever get married. I think
I'm drop dead ugly on top of this and so I could never ever
ask a girl out on a date. My ugliness confuses me cos I
don't know whether I'm ugly or not. I mean I think I am
but all my mum's friends say I'm so handsome, I don't
understand. I'm 6"2 and well bulit so it's not my body but
my face. . I have two more years at this boys school
(providing I get good enough grades in my GCSEs). I should
leave when I'm 18 and 9 months and if still haven't even
talked to a girl by then I seroiusly will be dead. It
simply isn't going to happen I feel. I can't take this no
more. I have told some of my trusted friends about this
and they've said it doesn't matter but to me it does, just
knowing that I am the only one who has these feelings.
Trust me, I have been through hell thinking about all
this and at times i have thought of sucicide. But I know I
can't do that.
I am a child of God. I believe in Jesus as
my Lord and Savoiur and that he died on the cross for me
and rose again. I am born again. So I release that Jesus
should be my first love above everyone and everything
else. He is my rock and I know that he has answered my
prayers many times and is with me always caring and loving
me. But I can't help feeling let down when I hear my
friends talking about how they chatted up these girls and
what they got up to and so on.... since I have asked the
Lord everyday for 3 years to give me at least one female
friend, he hasn't. I feel that I'll never even find a girl
to be my friend because I'm ugly and unloving. I have
nothing to back this up apart from myself. I am not saying
this for attention, I mean everything I say. I feel
isolateed at church too, I have no Christian friends to
talk to either and yet I'm been going to my church for 5
years and still there is no one I can talk to at the end of
the service apart from the Youth Minister but even that's
very rare. I sometimes think that I should stop going to
church even because of this and just spend time with the
Lord on my own.
I also think that God has not blessed me with
any talents or gifts. But that maybe because of this
inferiority complex which has overwhelmed me. I hardly get
invloved in any actvities due to the fact that I know I
will embarrass myself and fail and i never go partying and
probably never will.
On top this, I can't speak to my parents
whatsoever. When I say I don't speak to them, I literally
mean I don't speak to them. When they ask me a question I
just keep queit. I hate them so much. My dad reads my e-
mails and starts blamiing me for writing to people who I
don't know. I sometimes wish I could kill them. I know
it's so bad but that's how I feel.
Will tommorow be any different? Am I going to be like
this forever? I think that even when I get to
university/college, I still won't find any girl to talk to
because of the effects that have bounded me already. This
has had a profound effect in my life already that I can't
get over it and never will. So when I read the stuff on
your site I know that it'll never apply to me cos I'll
never find true love.
At the same time I am trying to do God's will and serve
Jesus but it's so hard knowing that I don't have a single
Christian friend to help and support me.
That's why I'm writing to you because there is no one else,
Please help me,
Thank you,
Rukshan
|